Expressing verbal disgust for Monday mornings is a widely accepted societal norm and the only thing one should be expected to do when the dreaded day arrives. If you are some freak of nature who takes no issue with Monday, I suggest you start or those around you will quickly take issue with you. No one wants to meet Mary sunshine on a caffeine deficient Monday morning. Well……meet Mary Sunshine’s 35 Thai cousins, otherwise known as my homeroom class.
The kids are not jaded enough to realize the cruelty that is Monday morning, so instead of easing me into the week with a dismissive teenage indifference towards authority, they spend Saturday and Sunday storing up all questions and curiosities and just unload on me. No coffee, no indoor voices, no mercy.
Those of you who read my Christmas letter know that the kiddos don’t pull any punches with these Q and A sessions. The gloves are always off and although I never back down from a Q and A session, on Monday mornings I am fighting with a hand tied behind my back.
I haven’t even been at morning assembly long enough to fake interest in the latest additions to the kings permanent shrine when the questions start.
Q: Teacha, why not pretty today?
A: Because Mondays aren’t pretty.
Q: But Why wear ugly clothes like this?
A: Because its laundry day.
Q: What laundry day?
A: It means the clothes I normally wear are dirty, not clean, stinky. (Hold nose and pretend Asmee aka Captain underpants smells bad and uproarious laughter ensues)
Q: Teeeeeeeeeacha Why you not wash?!!!
A: Wash! (Open palm slap to the forehead) Silly Teacha, why didn’t I think of that!
Q: Why ya face red?
A: Because I got sunburned this weekend at the waterpark when you made me ride the Bommerang 18 TIMES! (A story in itself)
Q: Why ride so many?
A: Because they told you you needed big Farang to weigh down the tube remember?
(Confused bickering in Thai commences, the only words I can make out are, “Farang”, “Yai” (fat), “115” (the weight requirement for the ride), more pointing, arguing, and fat motions in my directions then a group consensus is reached and presented to me for confirmation:
Q: OK, student not fat enough, only teacha fat enough so go Boomerang many many time?
Q: Why not have sunscreen?
A: Teacha did have sunscreen but her nefarious minions (point at them accusingly) used it all because they thought it would make them white like teacha….instead students get tan and teacha get red.
They were giggling uncontrollably at this point so I thought that one ended the Q and A. Wishful thinking. When have they ever stopped at single digits? they took a split second break and were ready to move onto my hair which was in a bun therefore not conducive to stroking….big problem for them.
Q: Why hair not long?
A: Because its hot
Q: Can you change?
Q: Can I change make nice for you?
Q: Can you cut off?
Wow, that’s extreme. I know they’re a little let down that they haven’t got to pull my hair for 3 days but to suggest that I just get out the scissors and end it all, they are really on their A game today. I had to pull out the big guns…..my trump card…bad luck.
Bad Luck is my favorite way to end 20 (thousand) questions. When their rapid fire interrogation tactis start to outrun my BS-ing abilities I can almost always bring the Thai Inquisition to a halt by throwing my hands up and saying, “bad luck”. It’s followed by an awe of understanding and reverent silence.
The reason being is that Thais are extremely superstitious. The logic behind their superstitions however are about as noticeably absent as their athletic abilities. I try to make note of what they consider to be bad so I don’t do something horrible like write my name in red pen or make a mid week salon visit.
A: Nope, not cutting my hair.
A: BAD LUCK!!! (Hold hair tightly to my head as if its threatening to fall out at the mere suggestion of a trim)
Game over. Bad luck was a lady this morning. If I avoid red pens, babies, and barbers I may just live to see Tuesday.