So I’m dating a 16 year old ladyboy named Bob. A May December romance
that no one saw coming, except maybe Bob. See Bob’s parents needed a little
Bob break, so they sent him to stay with his uncle in Phuket for the
summer. His uncle promptly enrolled him in the nearest English
school with the longest hours….sensing a theme?
Bob’s real name is Nong but after about the 100th time of him correcting
my pronunciation of the impossible “ng” sound, I said, Ok you
know what, you’re Bob now. Post name change, his peer approval rating skyrocketed, you’re welcome Bob.
Bob’s class is from 10-12, but he gets to school at 7am
regardless of rain, locked doors, or subtle hints about operating
hours and says “I am ready.” He then harasses anyone in sight until
they are forced to also be “ready”. After one day of that I taught him how to make coffee and told him no one is in any way “ready” until you do this. He did it every day.
About a week into summer break, Bob started making some demands of his own. Fed up with people’s refusal to match his enthusiasm for morning selfie sessions and not getting to do much vacationing on his vacation, he took matters into his own hands.
“Teacha, I want come to your house for dinner.’
I said, Bob do I look like Kathryn Pfieffer** to you. Well Kathryn Pfieffer is exactly who I looked like to Bob. With sociopath like intensity he stared at me and said, “Yes, Kathryn’s house for dinner.” Dammit Bob, my name is Kathryn and Mamma P** would love you so I guess this one is out of my hands.
** Kathryn Pfieffer / Mamma P as we call her, despite having just the two feisty red headed twink a dinks is never lacking for
dinner guests…and brunch…and well you just never know when
they (Kayla or I) are going to leave.
“Ok Bob, I’ll pick you up at 6.”
This was met with jumping, an ear drum shattering scream, and of course…..a selfie.
“Thank you Teacha, thank you Katy Perry, I go get ready now.” He immediatly left class and ran out the door. It was 11:30.
I picked Bob up for our first date at the pier just before sunset and
already it had the makings of an alternate universe Bachelor where the
contestants are less attractive, the premise socially unacceptable,
and the suspense lacking as neither of us has the prospect of getting
another dinner date.
He was wearing a straw fedora, faybans, and
shorty shorts waving anxiously at me with one hand and taking my
picture with the other. “Teacha I am heeeeeeeeere.”
As I feared, the afternoon had given Bob way to much time to scheme
and dinner was no longer the only thing on the menu.
He presented me with a 1/2 Thai, 1/2 English extensive list titled,
Travel in Phuket with Teacha Katie
-Go to buy the sunglasses the same at Naka Market
-Ride motorcycle in mountains with boyfriend
-Eat romantic dinner seafood
-Go to every beach every day
-Yoga at rock
-Yoga at beach
-Yoga at park
-Travel to airport
-Take a bus
-Talk with tourists
-Be brave be beautiful
We did all these things and more minus the production quality and
wardrobe changes of a reality TV show and plus some minor compromises.
For example, number 2: Ride motorcycle in mountains with boyfriend in reality turned out to be Bob and I on a 250cc scooter along the beach road but he held on to my waist and screamed everytime we rounded a corner just the same. During our candlelit seafood dinner on the beach, he giggled repeating, “it’s so romantic” over and over. We did “Yoga” in the loosest sense of the word but we’ve got no less than 200 pictures of it. We spent hours making playlists for roadtrips and at the waterpark he took a GoPro video of us on every waterslide, enclosed slides included.
He cried when summer was over and called me 5 times on the way home,
each time sounding completely shocked to be speaking with me. The
Munchkins facetimed him from the orphanage and he cried again. After
being home and seeing his old friends he called in real crisis mode.
“Teacha my friend tell to me Nong is not same from Nong in the past.
Have thinner, and tanner and more polite. Some friend say, ok yes you
are different now is good but some friend not like says not ok…..want to have
Nong the same from the past. Everyone liking name Bob though, want to keep”
I said well Nong, you’re not Nong anymore, you’re Bob and you’re a man now…kind of. No more Old Nong, only New Bob.
After I talked him off the ledge, I broke up with him but it’s nothing New Bob can’t handle. He told me he wants to “focus on his studies” anyway.